Monday, June 22, 2020

A Long Goodbye


Soon after Tatay passed away last October the long process of cleaning out of the house in Andover began.  Through the funeral, and into the Holiday Season. New Years, Probate, lot splits, and a Pandemic we soldiered on. Fall into Winter into Spring, and now the awakening of summer. On weekends, and evenings, sorting, donating; carloads of memories taken home. Pulling out of the driveway every visit brought a little more finality, a step closer to closure.  


In the middle of May a company came to remove all of the remaining furniture and goods that nobody had claimed or could give a proper home to. Over the course of 2 days I stayed at the house watching a crew of five load 45 years of memories and possessions into a 32 foot truck.  It was excruciating. 


In a short whirlwind of a couple of weeks the house was cleaned, staged, sold and closed. And this weekend we all said our final goodbyes.


One of the last remaining items that remained unclaimed were a collection of rocks that Nanay collected from her travels.  Wherever they went, on vacations and day trips near and far, she would always come back with a rock or two. Space permitting she would write on the piece to say where it was from.


We came up with the idea that we should keep them somewhere on the property, so we gathered together one last time, walked back to the creek, and sent them back to nature.


But before we threw them into the water I read something I had quickly put together the night before:


“Today we say a final farewell to a place that will forever be a home to all of us.  Forty five years ago Lolo and Lola moved here from Northeast Minneapolis and started a new chapter in the Ancheta family history. 


And while today marks an ending, we acknowledge that our families will continue to thrive and grow in places away from this place. And future generations will be able to look upon this place and know what it meant.


What it meant was a dream realized. That with hard work, perseverance, and a little luck, you can achieve what you desire.  This house and this soil is testament to that. 


These rocks are tokens of that good fortune. Lolo and Lola had the means and the ability to go near and far. To places some of us may never see, or maybe we will be able to follow in their footsteps. So we’ll take away the tokens that we want, and give back to the earth the tokens we no no longer want to carry with us. Back to a place that may no longer carry the Ancheta name, but to mark a place where the Ancheta’s will always remain a part of.



So say a prayer, smile a smile, or shed a tear. Always remember the love that was shared here. And keep them, and this place, forever in your hearts.”



As the final stones plunked into the creek, the final ripples disappeared in the current and we made our way back to the house. I took one last trip through the house and I locked the door behind me. Driving Tatay’s Cadillac down the driveway for the last time seemed appropriate. It was hard to make that final left turn down the road.


It’s been a long goodbye. From the first day that we brought Nanay home in May of 2014 after her stroke, to the final key turning in the lock in June 2020 it’s been a long day coming. Now that the ink has dried on the closing documents for the new owners; maybe the tears can finally dry for the descendants of its former inhabitants.


Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Toxicity


Late last month, Grant’s 10th grade English teacher sent out an e-mail talking about a 30 day Digital Detox. Attached was an article from Forbes on 30 different ways to wean yourself from your phone:


On the first day of Lent I logged out of my Facebook and Instagram accounts.  I’ll have to admit that the first few days of not checking updates was awkward. To be honest I haven’t kept up with all of the methods described, nor have I kept a log on what I’ve been doing.
But I don’t miss either app, especially Facebook.

It’s Toxic.

Don’t get me wrong, I like cat memes as much as the next guy, but the political rhetoric he said / she said crap is a mind and time suck. As a colleague of mine once said, “it’s like babies tossing teddy bears out of the crib.” Like and share if you agree my ass.

To be honest there was a post from a friend that got to me and made logging off easier. It wasn’t a post of self-importance “look-how-much-money-I-have-and/or-look-how-cool-I-am-and/or-look-at-the-place-I’m-at-and-you-aren’t-here” sort of thing. It was a plain statement of achievement that now in my middle stages of life I know I’ll never attain. It was less of what he chose to share, but more of how I perceived it. It was a deep look into the mirror of opportunities squandered. I’m honestly glad for him, effort and attitude can take you everywhere you want to go.

Maybe the toxicity is in my own mind…..

And then COVID-19 has shut everything down. 

The social distancing aspect is something that I’ve been pondering. I get it, I understand the need. But in my mind, social media has already hardened us to this. Lately I’ve been concentrating on the network news, and many of the human interest stories revolve around community outreach and helping ones neighbor.

Wonderful, fantastic, heart-warming.

But the cynical side of me wonders if this is truly from the heart, or is this another ploy to get likes and shares of “oh look how giving I am.” Am I wrong?

We’re all in uncharted waters here. In our modern age we are all revealing how out of our depths we are. We’re hoarding toilet paper for God’s sake. I read something the other day that a couple made the headlines for trying to buy 19 cases of Mountain Dew. I’ll leave that there.

Here at work it has that Post 911 feel. Lots of uncertainty and rumors. Many of my coworkers have started working remotely, our parking lot emptying of cars while the ramp fills with parked airplanes.  Last weekend I got a phone call from my director telling me that I may have been exposed to someone who may be sick with the Virus. He told me not to freak out. I went ahead and freaked out a little anyway.  I’m not ready to see my parents on the other side quite yet. (I found out this afternoon that I'm in the clear for now).

So maybe the toxicity isn’t just in my mind. Like and share that if you agree.

I guess that I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m just letting you all know where I’ve been. Maybe I’ll be back on Facebook one of these days. Then again maybe not.  Drop me a line and let’s catch up. I want to hear your voice and your laughter. And if need be, I can be there to try and console your cries. (edit: I also have the Zoom app - my "meeting room" is 985-003-6614 if you'd like.)

I'll keep my Instagram active because @hugothefierce still needs his public and truth be told I love artsy pictures. I'll probably put random sunsets on there so deal with it.

Maybe after you read the ideas in the Forbes link you’ll decide to digitally detox with me. If you do please let me know how it goes. I’m discovering new patterns and observing new paths. Life is difficult enough without trying to wade through unnecessary social media bullshit.

The fortune cookie that I cracked open the other day caught my breath in my chest a little bit; “The calling that has sounded will not be the lasting call.”

Wash your hands. Stay safe, stay clean. Stay sane. I'll be around.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

The Game



It’s a conversation that sneaks up on you, and even when you feel prepared for it, it still leaves you a little breathless.

“Mom, dad; I don’t want to play hockey anymore.”

Every summer we’ve asked both of the boys the inevitable question; “do you want to play hockey this year?” For our oldest, now a high school junior, it was always a resounding YES, with the youthful eye-roll of feigned disgust that it’s an obvious answer.

Since he was a six-year-old Mini-Mite 1 in Rosemount the answer has always been the same. The same exasperated and mischievous why-wouldn’t-I-want-to look on his face. The same sarcastic tone in his voice. Until this summer. I asked the question and there was a pause. He looked me in the eyes, “dad, I’m not sure yet.”

Wait, what? I asked myself….this can’t be my kid….my kid would never give up hockey. He must have had a bad day at work, yeah that’s it. Sure. I’m sure that he’ll wake up tomorrow morning and want to rush to the rink.

But that never happened.

It had been the winter of 2004-2005 when we had first signed Stanley up to play mini-mite hockey in Rosemount.  I remember walking into the gymnasium of the Rosemount Community Center with my wife Brenda, and picking up the forms and signing the checks for registration and fundraising.  A former co-worker set me up with some of his son’s old equipment, we bought a stick and inherited some skates from another co-worker and away we went.

He’d skated before, typically a trip up to Jaycee Park in Rosemount, a bike helmet, and snow pants. What followed was 10 minutes of getting him laced up, and 3 minutes of him chopping his skates on the ice while I held him under his armpits while my back started to spasm. Ten minutes later we would be untying skates for the ride back home. I knew enough to know that trying to force him to skate when he clearly didn’t want to would be a bad idea. Before long came the days when we couldn’t get him off the rink.

When he started as a young player, hockey dreams filled his head. Dreams of playing for the Rosemount Irish Varsity team, then onto the University of Minnesota to play in front of the Gopher faithful in Mariucci Arena, and then onto Xcel Energy Center to star for the Minnesota Wild. Oh to have the dreams of a child.

When he was in Kindergarten he’d finish his lunch and pop in a couple of hockey videos. Being a budding goalie he’d put on my shin pads, strap on his helmet, gloves, and knee hockey stick and play along with his favorite players. One day I got an e-mail at work from my wife telling me that he finally did it – he fell asleep with the gear on. The picture that she got of him that day always makes me smile.

 
Our journey gained momentum through the Mini-Mite and Mite Programs, with weekend ice times and treats afterwards. Jamborees with medals and trophies and a growing love of the game.  We learned how to skate, to pass, to get up when we fell down. We still skated outside 3 nights a week, running back into the warming house when the temperatures and wind cut through the layers and pads. There were lots of naps in the cars back and forth to practice. I’d look back at him in his pads, sitting in his car seat, stocking cap pulled low over his ears, head lolled over to the side, dreaming of games won on shots that he took.

I felt a lot of pride when I saw him pull a traveling sweater over his head for the first time. Through Squirts and PeeWee’s we went, learning to forecheck and backcheck.  Learning how to play on the power play and how to defend short handed. Russian circles and stops on the blue lines. Tournament weekends in St. Cloud, and Duluth.  The Fargo International Squirt Tournament.  From Fergus Falls to Bloomington, Hopkins and Stillwater. Snack bags and tourney t-shirts. Door hangars and pin trading. Bag tags and swim time at the pool. Lots and lots of Subway and Buffalo Wild Wings. Dark blue Rosemount warm-ups hoodies and hats. Knee hockey in hallways. Driving miles and miles of highways through snow blanketed fields, getting to practice and games well ahead of time. Rival District 8 games against rivals Farmington, Eagan, and Lakeville. Good wins, and bad losses.


Coming into first year Bantam Irish Clinic showed a longer stride and confidence. Checking was back in play but the one-year of checking in PeeWee’s served him well.  The more I watched him the more impressed I was with his maturity as a youth player. He took it all in the same calm even manner he had always approached the game. Kids that had always seemed a stride faster weren’t as fast, and the game looked as if it were slowing down for him.  With no expectations we entered tryouts, and stayed up with the top pool the entire time. When he got called off the ice early during the last Farmington scrimmage, I had a feeling that he was going to end up on one of the top teams. He made B1.

He was in deep water for those first couple weeks of practices. The pace was frenetic, and the expectations were higher. Intensity. Commitment. Pride.  It became less about learning how to pass and stop, it was more about where you needed to be on the ice and what to do when you didn’t have the puck as much as was about knowing what to do when you did have the puck. Instead of being a player expected to carry a team, he was a player expected not to let the team down. He struggled early but started to get his skates under him. Our head coach, John, caught me before a practice and asked me if I could work with the goalies a couple of times a week and I agreed. Pretty soon I was on the ice for all of the practices and on the bench for games. Both the player and coach learned a lot.

We took the championship trophy in a tournament in Mankato, a consolation trophy in White Bear Lake. We wound being runner-ups in New Richmond, and to top it off: the District 8 Playoff Championship.

We had our final practice that year at Richfield arena. Inside I knew that it was going to be the last time I’d be sharing the ice with him in a coach – player relationship. We warmed up in the usual way, ran our flow drills, penalty kill and power-play. But at the end of the hour I remember feeling almost numb, as if wishing that the time would slow and stop. I knew I’d miss this time with him.

 The team fell short in the Regional playoff but collectively we were proud of the accomplishments. It had been a great season.

The fall of 2013 brought us to our final Irish Clinic and tryouts. As a returning second-year Bantam who had earned his battle scars on a successful B1 team the next logical step in his development as a player was with the AA team.

From a trip to Faribault to play powerhouse Shattuck – St. Mary’s, road trips to Moorhead, Bemidji, the NAPHL Tournament at the Super Rink in Blaine, the Bantam A/AA Tournament in Roseau, and finally ending up with the VFW State Championship in Fergus Falls, and every rink in between we went. But as the season wore on the fun started to leave. Playing third line center wasn’t as fun as he thought it was going to be.

He scored his last goal in Bantams during the waning minutes of a game against Duluth East with a wicked snapshot in the slot on the powerplay. Top shelf where mom keeps the cookie jar. Head up all the way just like we taught him all of those years. In that sweep of his stick I felt that it was all worth it. When his teammates surrounded and congratulated him I felt proud. But at the same time I felt sad. Sad knowing that this portion of his hockey career was over. The team lost that game.

We played one more game against Grand Rapids, a team that had won the State Bantam AA Championship the week before. We lost that game as well. As we collected ourselves after the game he asked for the car keys. He wanted to drive a few the first few minutes home. We started RAHA with a six year old boy still sitting in his car seat. We ended it with a fifteen year old teenager driving us home on the interstate.
The next step to take on the journey was into High School Hockey, to wear the colors of the Rosemount Irish. I picked him up after his first Captain’s Practice; body sweaty, and eyes big as saucers.
“So how was it?” I asked.
“Fast dad,” he answered back, “very fast.”
Through Captain’s practices he adjusted to the new pace, and wound up making the Junior Varsity team.
As the upperclassmen get picks of jersey numbers, most all of the lower numbers have been chosen. In homage to his Mini-Mite and Mite years he took his old number 34. I smiled when he told me.




One thing to get used too were the 5:30am practices; he was only late once, but they made for long days. He enjoyed the coaches and teammates, but would often ask to leave the Varsity games to head home to hit the books. As a team they won the JV Silver Division Championship at the Schwan’s Cup in Blaine, and for the season wound up with a winning record.

On Saturday mornings when there was a home game on the schedule, the Varsity and Junior Varsity teams would have a morning skate in home jerseys and sweats. Getting the legs and hands moving, an easy 15 minute skate with a team breakfast afterwards. On one occasion when I was there to bring in some food for breakfast, a group of mini-mites were waiting to take the ice, and the high schoolers formed a tunnel to give high-fives to the little ones as they came out to take the ice. It didn’t seem like that long ago when he was one of those mini-mites.



Early in the season he made it onto the stat sheet for a couple of goals against Apple Valley. Adjusting to the new speed and different expectations he played well. Some games when it was tight or if there were lots of penalties or short handed situations he would wind up doing more watching instead of playing. Later on in the season he worked with the penalty kill units and played well within the system.  His play suffered when asked to fight for pucks in the corners, never one to get deep in the zone and cycle. His limited minutes on the 3rd of 4th lines seemed to bother him but he knew what it was about.
 


We never got to watch his last JV game.  We were up in Breezy Point watching his younger brother play in his out of town tournament.

The air is crisp outside and the RAHA traveling teams have been formed. His younger brother is a first year PeeWee and starting into the season grind. High School Captain’s Practices have been going on for the last few weeks but the heart isn’t into it. The other night he told one of the varsity captains that he wasn’t trying out.

On his final night of captain’s practices I snuck into the arena to watch him skate one last time with the boys. The coach in me watched him run through a few drills, and paid close attention to how he played and positioned himself during the scrimmage. Maybe a step slow, maybe a little timid. The coach in me wanted to pull him aside and let him know where he could tweak his positioning or when he should have been a little more aggressive on the forecheck, after all, I’d been behind his bench for 9 years so I knew what his strengths and limitations were.  But the dad in me wore an inner smile, watching and enjoying the game. What started on a Saturday morning in November of 2004 came to an end on a November evening in 2015. I left before the session ended.

In the cold, sober daylight of reality I’m fairly confident he would have made JV, but maybe as a 3rd or 4th line player seeing limited ice-time much like it was last year. Then again, with the returning talent, and influx of young, hungry players, there was no guarantee that he would have made the team. So in a small way he went out on his own terms, knowing that he’d given his best to his coaches, teammates, and family.

His gear still hangs in the laundry room where we’ve always stored it. Soon we’ll probably ask him to finally put it away in his hockey bag. If anything we can use the space for his brother’s gear. But I can’t ask him to do that yet. Part of me still can’t come to grips that his hockey journey is over, and I take solace that his younger brother still loves the game and I have the opportunity to coach him this year. I still have my hockey fix, but there is still an empty feeling.

I’ll miss watching his long, smooth stride as he catches the puck at center ice, streaking down the wing, looking for a teammate breaking for the far post. I’ll miss seeing the bend of his stick as he leans into a hard wristshot. I’ll miss seeing how his left arm tucks into his torso when he’s tired after too long of a shift.

But I’ll also miss our conversations in the car back and forth to practices and games. Talks about what he wants to do when he grows up, what cars he wants to drive, what classes he wants to take in college. Silly jokes, and lots of laughs. I’ll miss the comradery of his teams, those 6 months together as our hockey families melded into villages to raise, cheer, and transport our burgeoning athletes from rink to rink. The end-of-the-year parties always seemed sort of melancholy. As Ken Dryden wrote in his book “The Game”;

“’The Game’ was different, something that belongs only to those who play it, a code phrase that anyone who has played a sport, any sport, understands. It’s a common language of parents and backyards, teammates, friends, winning, losing, dressing rooms, road trips, coaches, fans, money, celebrity – a life, so long as you live it…It is hockey that I’m leaving behind. It’s “the game” I’ll miss.”

On the front page of the RAHA website they had listed the pools for the Mites, Mini-Mites, and Termites as the Initiation Program in Rosemount swings into the start of their season. One of the names on the list was the son of his 5th grade teacher. I couldn’t help but smile. 

The game ends for one. The game starts for another.




Sunday, August 02, 2015

You Can't Have the Recipe


Take a moment and close your eyes and think about a favorite dish of your youth. Whatever it is, can you remember the texture, the smell, the context in which it was made? Do you remember the first time you had it? Do you remember the last time you had it?

I have a couple of favorites from my parents’ kitchen.  One is a tripe soup called Papaitan, which over rice is hearty, sour, bitter; sublime. The other is a blood dish called Dinuguan (also known as Dinardaraan), and again, when ladled over rice and served steaming hot elicits a smile from my memories.  

When I grew up and started my adult life, I could always count on my parents to supply me with both of these dishes, leftovers really, from when they had made the dishes for themselves. Every time I’d savor both over rice and smile. But as they have grown older, and as my mother hasn’t been able to cook since her stroke, they haven’t been making these dishes as frequently. 

Over the last few months, my dad has taught his grandson’s how to make pancit, and it’s been a joy to watch the younger generation learn first-hand on how to make these traditional dishes.  A couple of weeks ago I spent time in the kitchen watching my dad create a simple chicken and zucchini dish that my niece enjoyed so much when she was a little girl. My mom would say that she would try to make it every time she would come over.

Above all else though I have semi-mastered a family favorite; my mom’s Filipino pork barbeque. Now I don’t know where the exact recipe originated from, but all who have tried it have really enjoyed it. But don’t bother asking me what the recipe is – you aren’t going to get it. And no I’m not sorry.

Back in 1983 my parents came up with the idea of selling my mom’s Filpino Pork Barbeque at the Minneapolis Aquatennial Block Party which had been held on Nicollet Mall. The Block Party was the kick-off event for the Aquatennial, and Nicollet Mall was reduced to foot traffic, with food vendors lining the streets. We had the southeast corner of 5th Street and Nicollet on the same side as JCPenneys.

As we rolled up in our 1971 Buick Electra to off-load our gas grills and supplies, we really didn’t have a clue as what to expect; would the barbeque sell, how would the people like them? We set-up the booth, fired up the grills, and soon the Mall was filled with the smell of marinated pork cooking over open flame.

 Our questions were answered soon enough as people were lined up at the tables and we couldn’t keep barbeque coming fast enough! The demand was great enough that my dad and I drove back to Andover to pick up another couple of coolers full of marinated pork that we had held in reserve. 

People were wondering if we had a restaurant, and when we told them that we didn’t they looked as us with shocked looks on their faces.  More than one person asked us for the recipe.

For a number of years we sold my parents pork barbeque at the Block Party. The preparation was always the same, lots of cutting, marinating, and skewering. When pork butt was on sale at Country Market in Coon Rapids it always seemed like my parents cleaned out their stock. I’m sure more than one butcher shook their head as my parents loaded up the cart and headed for the checkout lane.

Year after year we would show up at the corner of 5th and Nicollet and the Mall would open again to foot traffic for a few busy hours. We’d see a lot of the same faces;
 “I can’t believe you don’t have a restaurant”.
“We come here every year just so we can get some more barbeque,” they would say.

As the evenings came to the end, and the crowds would start to disperse, a few people would come on over and ask if had any leftovers. More often than not we didn’t have anything left.  Some would ask for my mom’s recipe and she would politely smile and tell them no. Many times I’d look over at my dad and catch him with a look of tired satisfaction on his face as he wiped the sweat off his brow as he took a well-deserved swig off of an ice cold Budweiser that he had stashed in one of the coolers.

In 1991 Nicollet Mall was shut down for construction so the venue for that years Block Party was moved to Hennepin Avenue. We were given a spot in front of Shinder’s Book Store, not far down the block from the Skyway Theater. 

The night started out normally but something just didn’t feel right. The crowd felt different; there was a general unease and tension that I couldn’t put my finger on. Maybe it was just my own mood, I remember being angry, the shine on the toy had gone away and it seemed more work than normal.  The year prior we had also decided to feature sweet corn along with the pork barbeque, and I knew that I’d be the prepping corn and not manning a grill. I wasn’t pleased.

As the sun began to set the crowd seemed meaner and less cheerful.  While not quite an ugly crowd, it wasn’t a friendly crowd earlier. As we started to finish up and break down the stand, shots rang out from up the street at the Skyway. The movie Boyz N the Hood had premiered that evening and tensions had spilled over into gunfire as the movie had let out.

As my siblings and I tried to expedite the cleanup process I looked back over to the sidewalk and saw our mom holding a bag full of tickets; our revenue for the night.  Running around her were people streaming away from the movie theater, away from the gunfire, and towards the crowd. She looked so small and helpless, and I immediately ran over to her not knowing what to expect. We left the site as soon as we could.

That was the end of our selling at the Block Party. It wasn’t the ending we wanted, but it was the one that we got.

Since then, the recipe hasn’t changed. None of us have the guts to change it, and really, why mess with perfection? Like my dad, I like to slice the meat and drop it into the marinade, having a frosty beverage before me. Where he would listen to 830AM WCCO, I’ll be watching some video on YouTube.

Grilling always brings back the memories of the block party flooding back, there is always that sizzle, burst of flame, and sweet smelling smoke as the fat drips onto the coals below. There’s that burn on your fingertips as you reach and flip each savory skewer, the fire letting you know who’s boss.  And more often or not there is someone looking over your shoulder asking the inevitable, “is it ready yet?”

I can’t wait for the day when I can look over my son’s shoulders while they are standing over the grill and ask them that very same question.

And they better not give the recipe away either.



Monday, February 23, 2015

Kitchen Table

Almost a year ago my mother suffered a very serious and debilitating stroke. In that time all of us in the family have had to cope, adjust, and endure the daily trials and tribulations of caring for her. Nanay is now 85 and Tatay is now 86, and he serves as her primary caregiver. As she is wheelchair bound, with little movement in her left side, transfers from one horizontal surface to another can be a task.  Simply moving from chair to chair can be a challenge.

While she has made some strides forward, there are times when we feel like the slippery slope of life is taking different parts away. Lately she seems more confused than normal, not believing that the house that she and by dad built in 1975 is truly theirs. She asks about relatives from her province in the Philippines, and wonders where they are. It’s difficult for all of us but we know that between the damage caused by the stroke, the slew of medications, and time itself that we must endure and comfort her. My dad, strong willed and stubborn to a point shows his frustration, but also his loyalty and love.
 
Tonight I went over to their house to visit and then to help put my mom to bed.  I arrived in the afternoon, my dad resting in his recliner, and my mom watching TV in her wheelchair. As she has been more confused lately I thought it would be a good idea to bring a couple of DVD’s of the grandchildren from a few years ago. As my dad made dinner we watched and laughed, my mom recalling those days when my children were small.
 
I had also brought over a picture DVD that I had made for my mom’s 80th birthday. We watched and relived days in nursing school, to early photos of their immigration to the USA. The bounty of their gardens, and fish caught in the lakes and streams of Minnesota.  Memories of our house being built in Andover, and trips we had taken around the globe.  I smiled again as I looked upon their faces.
 
The DVD played quietly in the background as the three of us gathered around the table to say grace.  As my dad started to pray his voice cracked a couple of times.  He looked at me and says, eyes welling with tears, “I’m sorry for being so emotional, but these pictures remind me of how young we used to be, and how old we are now.” I stood up and gave him a hug, my own eyes filling with tears. I walked over to Nanay who was crying now as well, “we are so old now son,” she said tearfully. All I could do was hug he back, “Nay,” I said, “we are all getting old.”
 
We continued our meal and I kept on thinking about how many joys, smiles, and tears we had shared around that table and in that kitchen. Family gatherings, meetings, and arguments.  Stories of days gone by, hopes, dreams, and disappointments.  It’s forever the place where my children will have learned to cook pancit with their Lolo and Lola.

I think about these things as sit here at our kitchen table in our home. I run my hand over the small indentations on its surface in the place between where Brenda and I sit. Those indentations are the marks from toddlers utensils being banged against wood. I look upon those marks and smile. On the other end of the table you can feel rough lines from colored pencils and crayons pushed too hard into coloring books and scrap paper. It's a place where Halloween pumpkins have been carved, birthday candles have been blown out, and now where college admission letters are read.

What will our children remember from our kitchen and that table I ask myself. What dreams and hopes, and disappointments will they remember?
 
We are all getting old. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Dads on the Rail

Dads on the Rail

In countless rinks in northern climes we watch the games being played
Or the Zamboni circling round and round between
Gruff and anxious, pensive and expecting
We are the dads on the rail

You’ve seen us before, no matter the rink
Even at the early morning practices or mean-nothing scrimmages we’re there
Words barked to our players, car coaching even though we’ve been told not too
We are the dads on the rail

Sometimes we move around depending on the crowd
On the boards, under the scoreboard, or the top row of the stands we’ll be
Careful to watch our coffees sitting on the dasher so it doesn’t spill during a hard check
We are the dads on the rail

While moms, grandparents own the bleachers and mark territory with stadium blankets
Siblings with mouths stained slushy blue asking for one more quarter for a vending machine gumball
Volunteers working concessions selling the $4 hot dog, chips, and soda meal deal
We are the dads on the rail

Go get ‘em sport... Play Hard… Move your feet…Don’t forget what I told you…..
Phrases we command to our mites and squirts as they hop down out of the SUV’s
Runny nosed and laden with top dollar gear they drag bags and sticks into the rinks
We are the dads on the rail

And when the puck drops we see every mistake, missed pass, and bad call
We’ll tell the dads next to us that it wasn’t a trip; the kid stepped on his stick
Hey Ref you’re missing a good game! Hey coach my kid isn’t seeing enough ice time!
We are the dads on the rail

When the handshakes are exchanged and the Zamboni doors open we linger
From out of the locker room come our players, red faced and exerted, sometimes teary, sometimes not
And in those faces we again see a child, our child; the scoreboard reset to zeros
We are the dads on the rail

Can I hang out with Billy? Can we stay to watch the Bantam game? They plead
Can I have a box of popcorn? Are Grandma and Grandpa coming to lunch with us?
It’s hard to be hard, it’s good to exhale
We are the dads on the rail

The bags and sticks are loaded up and we’re on the way home
Quiet but not too quiet we ask questions about what coach said after the game
And in a few minutes we watch heavy eyes close in the rearview mirror
We are the dads on the rail

The time is fleeting and gear gets outgrown, a season ends
Hockey life fades, friends find other things to do, and suddenly we’re not as good as we thought we were
A new season starts, The Zamboni doors close and new players hit the ice
There are new dads on the rail

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

I Remember, I Remember.....


The circumstances were different this time.

12 years previous my visit to Ground Zero was one of Communion; this time it was of remembrance. For my 15 year old son, it was a time of discovery.
In October of 2002, a coworker and I made the long journey from the south end of Central Park to Ground Zero to see with our own eyes the remnants of that fateful day in 2001. We’d walked around St. Paul’s Cathedral and gazed at the faded missing person’s signs, and poignant memorials erected to help those who lost so much grieve as they saw fit. It tore at my heart then, and as subsequent years the thought of those losses and heartbreak still gives me pause.

I remember, I remember.

I’m 12 years older now, and so is my eldest son. He was three years old when the airplanes hit the towers, and has little to no recollection of what had happened on that day. A soon-to-be high school sophomore he wanted me to take him to New York for the day. We’d made plans for it during the summer months, and so on July 3rd we made our way east. The larger part of this experience was to show him the City, but selfishly; part of the trip was for me.

Our itinerary was simple, get to the city and see what we could all see in less than 24 hours. Our hotel was in Chinatown so we took the train to Times Square and dove headfirst into the NY City experience. From Times Square we walked to Rockefeller Plaza, through the south end of Central Park, all the while keeping our senses open to the sights, sounds, and smells around us. He’s an easy going kid, willing to walk and sweat and endure. We smiled and laughed a lot, taking in the brusque New York attitude with a Midwestern shoulder shrug of acceptance. He realized his dream of eating a slice of pie at a small, out of the way place on 5th Avenue, folding it like a native and giving me the “whaddaYOU looking at?” look. It was priceless.
As the afternoon turned into early evening, the skyscraper canyons took on a heavy brooding feel. The air was heavy and humid and we felt that a change in the weather was coming. Thunderstorms had been forecast for later in the day, and sure enough the skies seemed to be on the verge of opening up. On 34th street and 8th Avenue we grabbed the blue line back downtown.

The last stop on the line was the 9/11 Memorial. Ground Zero.

A voice over the loudspeaker announced arrival into the station, and as the train slowed to a stop I felt a sense of calm. Maybe it was because there were only a handful of others in the car with us, or maybe it was because the doors didn’t immediately open to a flood of stampeding humanity. Why was I apprehensive? Why was I being overly dramatic? I wanted to rail against myself for feeling what I was feeling but I couldn’t. I followed my feet up the steps.
 
The sun was shining when we reached the street, the pavement fresh with rain. In a light mist we found our bearings and I looked up at the street signs that identified the intersection of Fulton and Church. It seemed only like yesterday that I’d stood at that very spot. How things had changed. Behind us, the fence surrounding St. Paul’s Chapel no longer carried memorials or missing person’s posters. The signed hockey stick and Philippine flag from my memory had long since been removed.

We set off towards the 9/11 Memorial and Reflecting Pools. In 2002 the site was still in the process of recovery and one could step up to the fences and look deep down into the space that 1 and 2 World Trade Centers had once occupied. Construction is still abound at the site, as well as a very frontal presence from the NYPD. As the 4th of July was the next day they were out in force to ensure the security of the grounds.  After a brief walk we found ourselves at the Reflecting Pools, reading the names while feeling the presence of the Freedom Tower besides us. In a way it felt like a giant tombstone looking over us, a weight hanging over our journey.  The gunmetal gray sky threatened to open up on us.
Your vision oscillates between the movement and sound of the water in the Reflecting Pools below you, to the soaring vision of the Freedom Tower above. And as you change your focus; your eyes take you back to the etched bronze plates that surround the Pools. It’s those names; those lives that give you pause. The Pentagon. Shanksville. Flight 11. Flight 93. Flight 175. Flight 77. NYPD. FDNY. PANY. Family or well-wishers had left single flowers on individual names. The singularity of those gestures impacted me more than the whole of the memorial. It felt like that first single tear that burns before it falls from your eye.
 
At different times of our tour of the memorial I'd look at my son and try to gage his emotions. Did he have a sense of history? A sense of loss or of understanding? His is the generation who will never know what it’s like to be able to say goodbye to someone at the departure gate of an airport.  Or that once-upon-a-time you could go through security without taking off your shoes. He took it all in quietly, somber and respectful of where he was. I wasn’t there when Japan bombed Pearl Harbor, or when President Kennedy was shot, but I understand the impact of both events. I suspect it was the same for him.  Without too much overt emotion we turned and looked back at the Freedom Tower from the south Reflecting Pool and walked away from the site.

It rained and stormed on our trip back to Chinatown from through the Financial District. Rain and winds soaked us to the bone as we made the trek back to our hotel. A late night Chinese meal and the purchase of a faux-Seiko watch rounded out our day.  As I settled down to sleep I looked over to the other bed and saw my son’s dark hair on the pillow, comforter pulled up to his nose. I thought about what we had seen that day, and the places that we had visited. 
As I looked at him laying peacefully asleep in this New York hotel room I remembered back to that evening back on September 11, 2001, and sitting on the edge of his bed, stroking his hair as he slept with the same angelic look on his face. I smiled ruefully at the memory.

I'll protect you kiddo I vowed to him then.

I'll protect you as long as I can now.
I remembered. I remember.